Archive for the ‘Sarcasm’ Category

Government to establish National Scam Museum

February 26, 2013 Leave a comment

National-Museum-DelhiGovernment of India has decided to establish a “National Scam Museum” in the national capital in order to showcase the superlative achievements of successive governments since Independence.

Announcing this, the Minister of Urban Poverty Alleviation, Shri Ajay Maken said, “During the last decade or so, India has been the cynosure of politicians’ and middlemen’s eyes the world over. We have left even the developed countries far behind in looting the taxpayers’ money and scammed everything that lies below, on, and above Mother Earth. High time we make a monument for this monumental achievement.”

A regular museum, which could be converted into a scam museum as scams have become regular.

The proposed monument i.e. the National Scam Museum will be designed like a War Museum, showcasing the artifice, technology, and the modus operandi of the great scamsters of the last 65 years.

It will be a three storied building – a basement, a ground floor, and a tenth floor in the sky. First to ninth floors would be built just on paper, just as it happens during many scams.

Each of these three levels will house exhibits and audio-visual information kiosks on scams relating to the realm in which these have occurred, e.g. the “Chopper Scam” and “Spectrum Scam” will be showcased on the ‘In the Air’ level (tenth floor), “CoalGate” and “Scorpene Deal” on the “Below the Ground” level (basement), and the ground floor will see relics from “CWG Scam” and various land scams.

The architects have been asked to avoid any resemblance to the Parliament House, Rashtrapati Bhawan, and the North and South Blocks of the secretariat as the government itself is not recognized as any scam.

Face to face interactions with scamsters, who are still alive, like Kalmadi, Telgi, Raja, Ketan Parekh, Hasan Ali, etc. will be organized on ‘Scam Sundays’. School and college children will be encouraged to interact with these achievers and feel motivated to think beyond even IIPM.

A unique feature of the museum will be a giant LED display on top of the building that will show a running count up of the amount of money embezzled by the corrupt, correct to a second.

“Hope the aam aadmi will start taking scams as a matter of fact and part of our culture, if this is not the case already,” a government official hoped.

Categories: Sarcasm

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

February 7, 2013 Leave a comment

the_axe_effectNew Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

“Where the fuck is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

~ Pagal Patrakar

Categories: Sarcasm

Open Letter to Everyday Idiots

January 30, 2013 Leave a comment

Everyday, while driving and even walking around the city, I come across people like you, who think they are God’s gift to humanity. Your arrogant attitude and non sense driving skills has prompted me to write this open letter. Yoo-hoo!! guys, you know who you are and hope you are reading this.I know that deep in your heart you do want to follow traffic rules, but again breaking rules is a matter of pride for you. You still think that being a rebel is in, and have taken it to heart.

The other day, I was in a great mood and was on my way to do some shopping. I was waiting patiently for the signal to turn Green. There were only a few seconds remaining for the light to turn Green, 12,11,10 the seconds ticked away. At that moment, I felt that I was standing at a Derby with restless horses ready to start galloping, the moment the doors are thrown open. I suddenly see you and your friends starting to drive ahead in the incoming traffic just like untamed horses in the wind, and create a traffic jam. Some of you also took pleasure in blowing the car horn at the highest possible decibel to nudge me ahead. For traffic rule follower like me, your horn blast not only shattered my ear drum, but made me literally jump out of my skin. Your disdainful look made me feel like a klutz who has orange jelly in her skull, instead of actual brain matter. Duh! who told you to follow traffic rules, that is for SUCKERS.

Luckily, my Yoga skills came handy, I did a few rounds of ‘Pranayam’ to calm my mind and to get a grip on reality. Thankfully, at the next junction, the signal was Green and I drove on without a care and a song on my lips. Little did I know, a dark blur crossed my path a few inches from my vehicle. I turned my head and saw that another of your brethren has broken the Red signal and had happily scampered to cross the road without a care for the incoming traffic. I quickly turned and followed him to ask him ‘ Kya Meri hi Gadi Mili thi Marne ke liye?’ (Did you want to die in front of my car only?). With a proud look as that of a warrior, you said it is no big deal and that I unnecessarily had my panties in a twist. With rage boiling in my innards, I was ready for a bout, but common sense prevailed and with some belligerent expletives, we parted ways.

Your careless disregard for your own safety is understandable. I understand that it is difficult to process too many things in a Pea sized brain like yours. Even then, I can never understand that how you can put your offspring in harm’s way. I have read, that even Dinosaurs protected their children from any harm. You drive on your scooters, bikes and in your cars with your children and flagrantly ignore signals, stop signs and parking signs. I take all efforts to follow rules whereas you happily make a ‘U’ turn where it is prohibited and all the while your eyes are calling me a ‘LOSER’.

For you, pedestrians are nothing but useless insects, that need to be crushed. In your opinion, people who walk should not have any rights and should be moved to another planet. I would like to enlighten you, that the black and white lines on the road is called a ‘Zebra’ crossing. It is for people to cross the road in relative safety and not for ‘Zebras’ as you had originally thought. So whenever you come across the crossing, please leave it for us poor mortals who use their two feet to go from one place to another. Please park your vehicle a feet behind this crossing and not on it as you have been doing it all along.

I also know that when you visit ‘Phoren’ lands, your eyes marvel at their traffic system. On foreign shores, you become the epitome of a good citizen as you are scared of paying a huge fine. You will not spit, you stop at traffic lights and you will give the right of way to pedestrians. Once you are back on the soil of ‘Bharat Mata’ , you are back to your old ways. You will break rules and think ‘Sab Chalta Hai’ (Who Cares) and ‘Why should I be the only one to follow traffic rules?’. This attitude of yours is what is stopping us from being a better country. Even if, one of you changes because of this letter, I think my work is done.

In the end, Words don’t define idiots, but their actions do.

Yours Sincerely,

A Traffic Rule Follower

Courtesy: Lazy Pineapple

Categories: Sarcasm